Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Getting overexcited.

Overexcitement about many things is a bad thing to do.

Occasionally I find myself saying things that I regret. Whether I am right or wrong, though of course being human, I always think I'm right, I feel like sometimes, I get overemotional.

Everyone does, but then you always get that strange guilty feeling when you realize you've done it.

I honestly shouldn't take my stress out on the internet, but I do it. I can only comfort myself in the knowledge that I don't say things I don't believe, and 99% of the time I'm pretty sure I'm spot on.

If everyone stood back a little before saying some things, I think the world would run smoother. Not that I can judge --still learning.

At the very least, before I master keeping my mouth shut, I'll at least only tell the truth.

Friday, April 29, 2011

A real life fairytale wedding. Aesthetics wise anyway.


WEDDING DAY!
Congratulations to the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge!


For so many people of the older generations, one of the greatest weddings of all time was the wedding between Prince Charles and Princess Diana. Now, it's our turn.

Dressed in a elegant, timeless gown, Kate Middleton walked down the asle of Westminster Abbey and around about 1hr later, walked out as the Duchess of Cambridge, married to the very much loved Prince William!

I support the Royal Family and believe they remind us that there are times where one must show exceptional grace and poise. In an age where politicians berate each other with petty insults, the gracious manners of the British Royal Family (of course, excluding the partying versions of Prince Harry and William) play an important role in educating people that there are many ways to win the hearts of a country --not just through defaming others.

Call them a waste of tax-money if you like, but I don't really think that all that money would end up being spent on things that need them even if you did remove the Royals from 'power'. Call them out-dated if you like, but I like to think of them as a wonderful legacy left by the Kings and Queens past that shaped the world as it is now. These days some people think good manners is an out-dated concept, that doesn't mean they're right and it doesn't mean we don't need good manners.

As a person with a deep, deep love of the history of British Monarchs, watching the wedding today was FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC.

My grandchildren will be hearing of this!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Confusion. Chaos. Nonchalance. Oh and I'm nuts.


That was me when I was 12.

Kidding, but hey, don't all Asians look the same?

I was bored and stalked people on facebook (oh don't look at me like that, you do the same).

Surprised was I (I don't know why I'm typing like that, I think I've lost my mind.) to find that alot of people actually have blogs. No, I only looked at one, and yes I thought it was boring. Then I noticed they had a counter on theirs! Yes, a counter, like for all the hits and whatnot.

So I got curious and checked my counter. Would you (and I mean you imaginary people who don't actually exist) believe that a couple of crazy people have actually clicked on my blog once before?

Isn't that insane?
I wonder what on Earth for.

Anyway, I thought, well might as well write another entry then. Don't want to disappoint my many fans (and by fans I mean that lonely skinny fellow rubbing himself in front of his computer, in Chile, or Norway, or somewhere else I have never been --which is everywhere).

What shall I blog about?
Well, how about my gradual insanity. Going through mild motions of grief these days --luckily it seems to hit me when I wake up, and just before I fall asleep. The hours inbetween, once I lug myself out of bed, not so bad. (I just go ahead and eat my feelings like all fat people.)

I'm sorry, that was mean. Fat jokes aren't funny. Some people can't help but be fat --from medication, illness, etc. In fact a wise person once told me that, "heavy people face a lot more discrimination than someone who can just, you know, take off the burqua and dress like it's 2011." --Somebody 'really educated' ...no really...they said so, on the interwebs. It has to be true, right?? RIGHT??!!

True story. Inspiring fellow. Home-schooled that one (explains alot doesn't it? bahaaaa)

I kid! I kid. I actually think many home-school kiddies come out relatively normal, I've met some.
But not this one.

Met or came out normal that is.

Alright, I'll stop. But you have to admit, being mean is fun. Who knows maybe she is right --I'll probably realize how evil I am to make fat jokes when I'm fat.
Wait no, I'll probably still make them. It'll be even funnier.

Okay, I'm stopping.

So yes, grieving. Well I realize I don't grieve very normally. I tend to make a large effort to be happy and silly all the time. --It's very forced really, and very annoying. Can't help it. All very patho --

HOLY CRAP

See, right before I finished the word 'pathological' above my computer decided to shut down all on its own. Thank GOD I keep like a million applications open. I noticed Word closing, then Paint, then Wordpad, then Notepad, then Itunes, then MediaMonkey and in my head I was all:


An angry blonde monkey you say?
Close, but I was heading for more 'ARGH! ARGH! ARGH!'
...wait, same thing. Bad Joke.


Oh, yes, my nonchalance.

Yes, I don't grieve well. I tend to get very lethargic and giddy. I annoy people on facebook and at the same time, refuse to go out anywhere with anyone, all the while wanting to get out of the house.

Oh, and it doesn't help that to avoid feeling like crap, I stay up until I'm so tired my asthma kicks in and I'm about to collapse inwards on my own chest. It also drives me nuts.

So does Craig Ferguson, in a sexual way.



Grrr.

On that, I leave. the end.

Oh and be nice to fat people.



...to their FACES.


...sorry.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Youth, Age and Cynicism (aka GRUMPY)


No, that isn't me.

I was talking to a friend about why guys can be attracted to younger girls --and I mean teenagers (legal ones). It made me think about how much a person changes over the course of just a few years.

Just then I went roaming around on a forum that I've been frequenting since I was in high school --and I went through all my old threads. My god! I was such a.....happy...person?

Not that I'm a total buzz kill now, but I get healthy doses of cynicism and rage --and I usually vent here.

That said, I was so much more cheerful back then --and ...kinda annoying, but in a pleasant way I guess. I suppose if I was to choose who to hang out with --'grumpy me' or 'young (somewhat stupid) happy me' --I'd probably choose the latter. It really made me think about what kind of person I'm turning into.

I wonder if this is what people mean when they 'lose their youth'. I guess I still look relatively young (except I passed for 12 back then --and 18 now lol), but DAMMIT I feel old. Is that a good thing? Or is it a sign that a person isn't so much growing up --as they are growing irritating? I feel like I'm well on my way to becoming that old man from UP --pre chubby Asian boy.


Still, I also find myself wondering if people don't take me seriously enough sometimes. I kind of waver between two extremes ALL THE TIME. I'm either crazily happy and seemingly mindless at one point, then insanely critical and old-fashioned the next. And when I'm faced with teenagers, I tend to get awfully irritated, even though looking back --I wasn't all that different.

Granted the last 2 years were pretty tough personal-issue wise, but it shouldn't have turned me into such a grouch right?

When did I turn into such a killjoy?

And is it normal? ...Rather, is it right?

Surely this is the fast track towards wrinkling.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

It's okay



I realized (or rather, someone helped me realize --or...told me lol)--maybe it's okay if I'm not all right alone. Maybe it's okay to not be alone. Maybe this is Granddad's last gift to me --the realization that it's okay to not be alone, that I'm not alone --maybe it's his way of telling me I don't have to pretend to be so strong anymore. I don't have to always deal with things on my own right? I used to think that it was weak of me to complain to other people or ask for help --I mean, ultimately you still have to fix everything alone anyway right? Why bother other people with it? A strong person is okay with being alone --and even if people want to help, you shouldn't bother them --they have their own things to deal with.

But now, I kinda understand that it's okay to do that sometimes. Sometimes its all right to ask for help. And maybe depending on people isn't as scary as I thought it would be.

At first, when I started typing this entry I wondered if I should commemorate my Grandfather's life by putting a photo of us at the top of the post. Then I realized I wasn't really in the state of mind to go through the photo album, pick one and scan it. THEN ...I realized I didn't want to see the photos of him yet. I don't need to, even. I know what he looks like --his face is burned into my memory. YOU guys don't need to know what he looks like so why bother? Doesn't it actually cheapen my memory of him? Why should I share him with people who don't know him anyway? He's my Grandfather. <___<

So, instead this is the sky that I love. The sky that makes me feel better everytime I'm sad --because it's always there and I can always count on it. And right now, it has just occurred to me that it is the same sky that was up there when my Grandfather was born. It's the same sky that was up there when I was born. It's there now, in my Grandfather's passing, and will be there when it's my time too. Even if there is no heaven, or no reincarnation --one certainty is that there is only one sky, one ground, only one Earth --and ultimately, we're all buried together anyway. Okay --that sounds cryptic --but it's comforting to me. It's tangible, and it's certain. One day we'll all be together again anyway --maybe not in the romanticised way we usually like to think --but at least together in some way --for sure. That's comforting to me --because it's reliable.

Dedicated to good friends, good advice, and throwing up silently.

And of course, dedicated to those I love and know, and those I love and have known.
I love you 公公.

Thank you for teaching me to gulp water with sound (coz it's more fun). Thank you for letting me pretend your legs were slides. Thankyou for putting up with my neverending (and repetitive) questions. Thankyou for showing me all your old trophies and coins. (Sorry for taking one without telling you haha.) Thankyou for telling me that I was pretty when everyone else said I was fat lol. Thankyou for pointing out I put on weight lol. Thankyou for always smiling at me even when you couldn't really remember me. Thankyou for remembering me. Thankyou for smiling even when you didn't. Thankyou for loving me. Sorry for all the times I was naughty as a kid. Sorry I didn't call you more. Sorry I didn't see you more. Sorry I didn't graduate in time. But thank you for everything and so much more. I love you and I miss you. I promise I'll try to be good and make you proud.

Early in the morning, April the 21st, 2011, my maternal Grandfather passed away. However, I didn't find out until around 2:30am on the 22nd April, 2011.

In the morning, I reluctantly woke up, had a little breakfast and drove out to uni. I attended a class, skipped one, bought a bright red University hoodie, had brunch and then went to another class. I went to lunch with a friend, and then I went to another class. Then I went to a Club meeting (that I wasn't a part of). Then I considered going out to eat with friends, but I felt sick --so I struggled back home, and tried to sleep. My mother called, I heard my brother pick up --but I wanted to try and sleep...so I ignored it.

After a while, I realized I couldn't sleep, so I went on facebook. and said some jokes here and there, complained about my nausea etc. I watched an episode of Modern Family and laughed loudly throughout it.

Eventually I got a strange message on facebook from an old family friend, which made me worry about my grandmother --so I called my mother at around 2:30am. And she told me.

I cried for my grandfather, and then I cried for my parents. I am so scared...all the time. Everytime my Dad coughs, I think of that anti-smoking ad --"A smoker's cough can turn into a lung cancer cough at any time", and I am terrified. Everytime they drive out to Sydney, or from Sydney to home, I am terrified. What if they get tired? What if a crazy driver plows into them? What about drunks? What about half asleep truck drivers? A freak accident?

Who will look after me? Who can I turn to now? What do I do? What will I do without them? And a little voice screams, "Don't leave me alone. I don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me alone."

And I was so scared again. I had thought I grew out of that fear when my Paternal Grandmother died --and this year I finally dealt with it --and I thought I was okay. But I'm not. I'm still scared. I'm always scared. I keep wondering if there will be someone who can look after me. Someone I can run to when my parents are gone. But I can't see them. And I know I'm being irrational, so I call my friends so they can help me see the rational side of things. --And they are all busy. What are the odds? lol They try, but they are all busy and I don't want to bother them --because really, I know I will be okay -- or rather, what can I be, besides okay?

But I'm not okay. So I call Lifeline...and they put me on hold --which is understandable. While I listen to the melancholy piano songs they play (which I wonder if its really all that practical to have relatively depressing songs on an depression line --but then again, happy songs would be patronizing...)...I start to realize a few things.

I imagine them telling me, "he's in a better place."
I imagine myself saying, "I can't believe that. I don't know that. You don't know that."
They say, "What do you believe?"
I reply, "I don't know."
They say, "you know you can't change things even if you're afraid of them. You can't stop it from happening just but clinging onto them."
I reply, "I know."
They say, "there are far more people in worse situations right now --and they're okay right?"
I reply, "I know."
They say, "think of the people who suddenly lost their loved ones in Japan during the Tsunami. Think of the people who saw their loved ones be washed away right in front of them. Think of the people who died in Queensland --and the ones they left behind. Think how lucky you are that at least, at the very least, your Grandfather died after a relatively long life. Think how lucky you are that at least your parents are still alive right now."
And I reply, "I know. I guess."

Then I start to hear myself thinking. Why today? Why right now? Why when the people who are usually free --are not? Why?

Because this way I can learn that I'm okay even when I'm alone. I don't need someone to cry to --I wouldn't mind it lol, but I don't need it. I'm okay on my own. When I'm 80 --I will have loved so many and lost so many that I will have learned to let go of everything. For now, I just need to start trying to let go.

The Buddha said, there are four definite things in life; birth, ageing, sickness and death. He teaches people to let these things go. You can't change it just by clinging to it --it'll still happen --so let it go.

I don't know if there is reincarnation, or heaven --and I won't bet anything on there being either because I could lose far too much if I did. I have to remember my own motto; Sometimes it's not about whether or not it's 'meant to be' ---sometimes it just is.

Friday, April 15, 2011

I hate it when people try to force their opinions on others...

...So I like to berate them until they realize they're wrong.


Kidding. lol


Boredom. Procrastination.

I start to wonder if my stubborn views on racism and hypocrisy are too...well...stubborn. I'm not necessarily being a very good Buddhist when I get all worked up about these things.

There are always bound to be people who are bigots and stupid. There are always bound to be misunderstandings.

Does letting go of this mean ignoring these people and their strange (WRONG) views?

But...how can that be? How can we sit here and listen to crazy people --and allow them to continue being crazy???

Then again, generally, it's hard to educate the stupid --they are, after all, stupid. Not to mention everyone believes their own opinion to be right and very few ever admit it when they're wrong. In fact isn't that the whole basis behind the theory of the Id, Ego and Super-Ego --the way the mind seeks to protect itself from anything that may cause it distress?
In that respect, if your opinion is proven wrong --you will still ignore it, usually by denying it, in order to protect your mind from trauma. Therefore, trying to educate someone is pointless isn't it?

But isn't the whole point of being a Buddhist not just to know, but to teach as well?
...Or is that somewhat egoistical? Who says anyone wants to be taught?

Hmmm...

Saturday, February 12, 2011

...mega...annoyed.


So I am in the middle of reading Dengeki Daisy. Yes, it's Shoujo manga, and yes I am allowed to be girly now and then.

My day actually started off really crap. Nightmare about something I couldn't control, followed by major anxiety, until eventually I got up off my ass and went for a drive/walk. By the way, did anyone ever notice how nice it is to see old people do Tai Chi and stuff in the park? I love it! Part of me can barely wait to do it too!!!!

There was one strikingly magical moment (and slightly horrifying/gross) where I was walking, when suddenly this huge flock of birds (pigeons, ducks, those strange hooked nose birds) just migrated from one side of the path to the other --with me standing right in the middle. It was a flurry of fluttering and beating of wings. At first I just stood there, transfixed as they moved around me. And then of course I ducked as one zipped past my head. Following that there was the horribly panicky moment where I wondered if I would get pooped on.

...Sorta broke the whole 'magical element' of it. Afterwards, my head felt itchy and I started panicking about fleas or flea-like parasites that may have jumped off the birds, onto me.

But hey, that one brief moment before all that --totally worth it.

...Why wasn't anyone there to see it?! Namely, why weren't there any goodlooking men on their way to work (maybe even a doctor bahaha) that would look across the park and be transfixed by the sight of a small asian girl caught in the middle of a flurry of wings and feathers?!

It was a movie moment and nobody was there to witness it! BAH! MEGA HUMBUG!

Spent the rest of the day reading Hatsukoi Limited, and then Dengeki Daisy. Didn't help that "You've got mail" starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks was on tv tonight too. I was all charged up on romantic daydreams, which were then crushed by the realization of harsh reality (that I'd gained weight and couldn't get it off, plus have no romantic life right now, hmm...).

What's worse? Well, you always know immediately when a good friend has found a new romantic target. How? Well, they simply start ignoring you. Bah.

Yes, I am jealous!! Why?! Because he's probably out there living out my romantic dreams!! Not fair! I want a Mr. Darcy! Where's my gripping love comedy?!

This is exactly how I feel when somebody wins the lottery. I maintain that it was my money and they had no business winning it. No business at all!!!

*rolls around*

...How is it that there are so many men in this world and I can't find one that can charm me even a little?! (Well, probably because I was in the country was 2 months, in Hong Kong for 10 days, then under house arrest due a terrible flu for around about a month now).

The only contact with a possible male lead was when I called for an ambulance. Man he was cute, that paramedic.

Too bad I was in a singlet, my PJ shorts and hadn't shaved my legs. Oh, and did I mention the rash-moustache from wiping my nose non-stop?! ARGHHH


...


...


...Whoever is in charge of writing the plots for my love life needs to come back from their vacation and do their job! GRRRR...

meanwhile.

I want to be thin.


Man...this sucks. *throws things*

ps. Lump in breast. Fibroadenema (or whatever). Need to see specialist. Want to cut it out.

...I wonder if they'll let me keep it. Hmmmmmmmmm...

Thursday, February 10, 2011










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At around 1:30am today I received a facebook message that a young woman I once worked with had passed away on Tuesday this week.


Her name was Corin Westwood-Jones. When I went to my interview to get that job, she was the first person I met. She was the receptionist that greeted me. Then as time went by, she became our stand-in manager.

I always thought she was the nicest. I always thought she was wonderful. God, I thought I had gone through life saying everything I ever wanted to, to people so that I would never regret it, but I haven't.

Here I am saying, "I wish I had told Corin all this."

And I can't.

I don't really believe in --or know what happens after a person dies. I don't know if she can sense this, or ever find out I felt these things. I can't imagine...whether --I dont know what I'm typing anymore.

"Rest in peace" is what people say when someone dies. What does that mean? I say that when I don't feel very much for those people.

I wasn't close to Corin. The pain I feel is slight and nothing compared to those who loved her most.

I want to say, "I am glad to have known you. I am glad to have met you. I wish I had said this to you. I am sorry you are gone. This world is a sadder place without you."

The last part sounds cliche, but it's true. Corin was a wonderful person. You could tell by just talking to her. She was always all smiles, all kind words. I loved her, not like a close friend or family member, or lover would --but as someone who is glad to have known her, to have spoken to her, and to have had the honour of being brushed by her in this life as we passed each other by.

I am glad to have met you. Thank you, and wherever you are now, I wish you well from the very bottom of my heart.


I dont have the heart to delete this, but I don't want anyone to read this because a blog post cheapens everything. This isn't meant to be a corny post. This is what I feel, and nobody should really need to read this and I don't want you to. I just dont have the heart to delete this.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Tackle Liberals before it's too late.


Tackle "extreme Islam before it's too late"

Me again. With another rant.

So picture yourself on the train. The train stops at the next station and two men stroll into the carriage. One is an unshaven, beer-smelling, slack mouthed bogan, and the other is a clean, quiet, well-mannered man wearing Muslim garb.

Who would you rather sit next to you?

Well, I know my answer wouldn't be the bogan.

Now I've moved around alot. Almost once every year since I was born, to be exact (or rather, not really, because I said 'almost'...but close enough).
I've met all sorts of people.

You've got the:

- nice worldly people with uncommon good sense
- nice enough people who aren't very worldly but are open minded
- nice enough people who aren't worldly at all but...think they are (they're harmless enough, just ignore them if they start talking)
- nice enough people who couldnt care less about the world
- close minded bigots whose entire world revolves around backward values


Or variations of the above.


I'm sorry, but I've never quite warmed to the last lot. Unfortunately, they're everywhere.
I saw a news program a few months ago where they were discussing how Muslim women should not be allowed to cover their faces in Australia.
One woman was interviewed and said, "I think they're scary. Yeah, (sic) because I can't see their faces."
I sat there and gaped at the television screen. Was she SERIOUS?!
Personally I think her ignorance is scarier.
Then you've got all these numbskulls talking about "Well, if you move to Australia, you have to embrace the Australian lifestyle."

I'm sorry, I was born here, all my friends growing up were white, and I actually hate BBQing in 40 degree heat. Are you going to deport me?

WTF is this 'Australian lifestyle' I keep hearing about?

All right, I'll admit it, I do think people should at least learn English. I mean, it's really ridiculous to expect to live in a country and not speak its language (although plenty of Americans do that in Hong Kong and nobody really says anything about that but whatever...). At the same time, why should a person give up their culture?

I love being an Australian Born Chinese. I love Chinese New Year, I love chinese food and I love Jet Li. I am not giving up Jet Li for Shane Warne. I'm just not. Firstly, Shane is a chubby cheating attention-whore, and secondly because Jet is infinitely cooler. Thirdly because he can kick your ass and played the best Wong Fei Hong ever.

I thought being Australian was about being open-minded and embracing other cultures. What's this awesome multiculturalism we keep boasting about? Where's that going to go if we expect everyone to go all bogan once their feet touch this soil?

And most importantly, where the hell do you people think you're going to get good food?
Australian cuisine is actually crap. You know it, I know it. If you all ate snags and backed beans everyday you'd die. Or want to. It all amounts to the same thing really.

I am so angrified by this article I want to go and strangle bogans. Just take them by their horrible stringly hair and strangle them with it. Then bathe in dettol.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Because people are liars.


So I'm sitting here, thinking about the 13 year old boy who was swept away by floodwaters to his death, along with his mother. And I'm trying to imagine his fear, his terror, as he tells the lone rescuer (alone among many people who are only standing by, watching) to take his little brother first. (Read original article here)

I'm wondering, what that old man felt as he watched the rope he'd tried to tie around mother and son, snap. What was he feeling as he watched them swept away? What would you feel?

Would you have been the bystander, or the helper?

I'm also sitting here, looking at that event page I created to encourage people to donate, to help people in QLD. A measly 24 (now 28 OMG...pretty stoked actually lol), including myself, among 223 friends invited, pmed and so forth.

Now, give or take, I'll say maybe 5-10 more people maybe donated and didn't click attend. But what about people who don't care enough? It doesn't matter that they don't care really, but these are some of the people who talked about their handbags and bra sizes to 'raise awareness for Breast Cancer' (yes, because we didn't know what it was. Really, we needed to work through the riddle of your status to find out). Or they changed their profile pictures to 'raise awareness for Child Abuse' (yes, because that will stop the pedos).

Would I be the rescuer? Or would I be the bystander?

It's none of my business.
I can't do anything to help.
Other people will do it so they don't need me.

We all like to think we'd help. We all like to condemn others for not helping, but really, come the time we need to step up and help someone --do we? Of course not. Very few actually do. We always wait to see if anyone will do it first. It's called the Bystander Effect --and fact is, most of us will be the Bystander.

Now, don't get me wrong, I never really go crusading. I'll help, but usually, you'll have to shoot me before I stand up and actively try and make other people do the same. Why? I hate the responsibility --but at least I admit it.

Maybe this year I just got sick of being quiet. Sick of reading through mundane statuses, sick of reading statuses like 'Red' or 'On the table' --sick of bull shit.

And yeah, I've been guilty of the same. I'm ashamed of it, and dammit, I won't do it again.

I think if you want to help, if you want to say you're a good person, then go out and be one. If you want to help with the Breast Cancer cause, donate. Take that stupid cartoon off your profile picture and volunteer for something.

Otherwise, you're just lying to yourself.

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to help, not really caring, having other things to do. Life is hectic, and you have bills, you have social events, you have work. Sometimes you just don't have anything to give at the moment.

But admit it. Don't lie yourself. If you care, you do something about it. If you don't care at the moment, don't pretend to. Next time you update your status to something stupid, ask yourself how much you're really doing.

Being a Bystander isn't what's wrong. Telling yourself you're not one, when you really are --that's wrong.

You might say that admitting it alone won't do anything. You're not correct there. If you don't admit it, you can never change --because you'll never see the need to --because in your head, you're perfect. If you can admit it, then you might change, you have the option of changing, because you know there's room for it.

My new years resolution: To stop lying to myself. Wtf are you going to do this year?