Thursday, April 21, 2011

It's okay



I realized (or rather, someone helped me realize --or...told me lol)--maybe it's okay if I'm not all right alone. Maybe it's okay to not be alone. Maybe this is Granddad's last gift to me --the realization that it's okay to not be alone, that I'm not alone --maybe it's his way of telling me I don't have to pretend to be so strong anymore. I don't have to always deal with things on my own right? I used to think that it was weak of me to complain to other people or ask for help --I mean, ultimately you still have to fix everything alone anyway right? Why bother other people with it? A strong person is okay with being alone --and even if people want to help, you shouldn't bother them --they have their own things to deal with.

But now, I kinda understand that it's okay to do that sometimes. Sometimes its all right to ask for help. And maybe depending on people isn't as scary as I thought it would be.

At first, when I started typing this entry I wondered if I should commemorate my Grandfather's life by putting a photo of us at the top of the post. Then I realized I wasn't really in the state of mind to go through the photo album, pick one and scan it. THEN ...I realized I didn't want to see the photos of him yet. I don't need to, even. I know what he looks like --his face is burned into my memory. YOU guys don't need to know what he looks like so why bother? Doesn't it actually cheapen my memory of him? Why should I share him with people who don't know him anyway? He's my Grandfather. <___<

So, instead this is the sky that I love. The sky that makes me feel better everytime I'm sad --because it's always there and I can always count on it. And right now, it has just occurred to me that it is the same sky that was up there when my Grandfather was born. It's the same sky that was up there when I was born. It's there now, in my Grandfather's passing, and will be there when it's my time too. Even if there is no heaven, or no reincarnation --one certainty is that there is only one sky, one ground, only one Earth --and ultimately, we're all buried together anyway. Okay --that sounds cryptic --but it's comforting to me. It's tangible, and it's certain. One day we'll all be together again anyway --maybe not in the romanticised way we usually like to think --but at least together in some way --for sure. That's comforting to me --because it's reliable.

Dedicated to good friends, good advice, and throwing up silently.

And of course, dedicated to those I love and know, and those I love and have known.
I love you 公公.

Thank you for teaching me to gulp water with sound (coz it's more fun). Thank you for letting me pretend your legs were slides. Thankyou for putting up with my neverending (and repetitive) questions. Thankyou for showing me all your old trophies and coins. (Sorry for taking one without telling you haha.) Thankyou for telling me that I was pretty when everyone else said I was fat lol. Thankyou for pointing out I put on weight lol. Thankyou for always smiling at me even when you couldn't really remember me. Thankyou for remembering me. Thankyou for smiling even when you didn't. Thankyou for loving me. Sorry for all the times I was naughty as a kid. Sorry I didn't call you more. Sorry I didn't see you more. Sorry I didn't graduate in time. But thank you for everything and so much more. I love you and I miss you. I promise I'll try to be good and make you proud.

Early in the morning, April the 21st, 2011, my maternal Grandfather passed away. However, I didn't find out until around 2:30am on the 22nd April, 2011.

In the morning, I reluctantly woke up, had a little breakfast and drove out to uni. I attended a class, skipped one, bought a bright red University hoodie, had brunch and then went to another class. I went to lunch with a friend, and then I went to another class. Then I went to a Club meeting (that I wasn't a part of). Then I considered going out to eat with friends, but I felt sick --so I struggled back home, and tried to sleep. My mother called, I heard my brother pick up --but I wanted to try and sleep...so I ignored it.

After a while, I realized I couldn't sleep, so I went on facebook. and said some jokes here and there, complained about my nausea etc. I watched an episode of Modern Family and laughed loudly throughout it.

Eventually I got a strange message on facebook from an old family friend, which made me worry about my grandmother --so I called my mother at around 2:30am. And she told me.

I cried for my grandfather, and then I cried for my parents. I am so scared...all the time. Everytime my Dad coughs, I think of that anti-smoking ad --"A smoker's cough can turn into a lung cancer cough at any time", and I am terrified. Everytime they drive out to Sydney, or from Sydney to home, I am terrified. What if they get tired? What if a crazy driver plows into them? What about drunks? What about half asleep truck drivers? A freak accident?

Who will look after me? Who can I turn to now? What do I do? What will I do without them? And a little voice screams, "Don't leave me alone. I don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me alone."

And I was so scared again. I had thought I grew out of that fear when my Paternal Grandmother died --and this year I finally dealt with it --and I thought I was okay. But I'm not. I'm still scared. I'm always scared. I keep wondering if there will be someone who can look after me. Someone I can run to when my parents are gone. But I can't see them. And I know I'm being irrational, so I call my friends so they can help me see the rational side of things. --And they are all busy. What are the odds? lol They try, but they are all busy and I don't want to bother them --because really, I know I will be okay -- or rather, what can I be, besides okay?

But I'm not okay. So I call Lifeline...and they put me on hold --which is understandable. While I listen to the melancholy piano songs they play (which I wonder if its really all that practical to have relatively depressing songs on an depression line --but then again, happy songs would be patronizing...)...I start to realize a few things.

I imagine them telling me, "he's in a better place."
I imagine myself saying, "I can't believe that. I don't know that. You don't know that."
They say, "What do you believe?"
I reply, "I don't know."
They say, "you know you can't change things even if you're afraid of them. You can't stop it from happening just but clinging onto them."
I reply, "I know."
They say, "there are far more people in worse situations right now --and they're okay right?"
I reply, "I know."
They say, "think of the people who suddenly lost their loved ones in Japan during the Tsunami. Think of the people who saw their loved ones be washed away right in front of them. Think of the people who died in Queensland --and the ones they left behind. Think how lucky you are that at least, at the very least, your Grandfather died after a relatively long life. Think how lucky you are that at least your parents are still alive right now."
And I reply, "I know. I guess."

Then I start to hear myself thinking. Why today? Why right now? Why when the people who are usually free --are not? Why?

Because this way I can learn that I'm okay even when I'm alone. I don't need someone to cry to --I wouldn't mind it lol, but I don't need it. I'm okay on my own. When I'm 80 --I will have loved so many and lost so many that I will have learned to let go of everything. For now, I just need to start trying to let go.

The Buddha said, there are four definite things in life; birth, ageing, sickness and death. He teaches people to let these things go. You can't change it just by clinging to it --it'll still happen --so let it go.

I don't know if there is reincarnation, or heaven --and I won't bet anything on there being either because I could lose far too much if I did. I have to remember my own motto; Sometimes it's not about whether or not it's 'meant to be' ---sometimes it just is.

No comments:

Post a Comment