10th and 11th May

Getting overexcited.

Overexcitement about many things is a bad thing to do.

Occasionally I find myself saying things that I regret. Whether I am right or wrong, though of course being human, I always think I'm right, I feel like sometimes, I get overemotional.

Everyone does, but then you always get that strange guilty feeling when you realize you've done it.

I honestly shouldn't take my stress out on the internet, but I do it. I can only comfort myself in the knowledge that I don't say things I don't believe, and 99% of the time I'm pretty sure I'm spot on.

If everyone stood back a little before saying some things, I think the world would run smoother. Not that I can judge --still learning.

At the very least, before I master keeping my mouth shut, I'll at least only tell the truth.

A real life fairytale wedding. Aesthetics wise anyway.

WEDDING DAY!
Congratulations to the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge!

For so many people of the older generations, one of the greatest weddings of all time was the wedding between Prince Charles and Princess Diana. Now, it's our turn.

Dressed in a elegant, timeless gown, Kate Middleton walked down the asle of Westminster Abbey and around about 1hr later, walked out as the Duchess of Cambridge, married to the very much loved Prince William!

I support the Royal Family and believe they remind us that there are times where one must show exceptional grace and poise. In an age where politicians berate each other with petty insults, the gracious manners of the British Royal Family (of course, excluding the partying versions of Prince Harry and William) play an important role in educating people that there are many ways to win the hearts of a country --not just through defaming others.

Call them a waste of tax-money if you like, but I don't really think that all that money would end up being spent on things that need them even if you did remove the Royals from 'power'. Call them out-dated if you like, but I like to think of them as a wonderful legacy left by the Kings and Queens past that shaped the world as it is now. These days some people think good manners is an out-dated concept, that doesn't mean they're right and it doesn't mean we don't need good manners.

As a person with a deep, deep love of the history of British Monarchs, watching the wedding today was FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC.

My grandchildren will be hearing of this!

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Confusion. Chaos. Nonchalance. Oh and I'm nuts.

That was me when I was 12.

Kidding, but hey, don't all Asians look the same?

I was bored and stalked people on facebook (oh don't look at me like that, you do the same).

Surprised was I (I don't know why I'm typing like that, I think I've lost my mind.) to find that alot of people actually have blogs. No, I only looked at one, and yes I thought it was boring. Then I noticed they had a counter on theirs! Yes, a counter, like for all the hits and whatnot.

So I got curious and checked my counter. Would you (and I mean you imaginary people who don't actually exist) believe that a couple of crazy people have actually clicked on my blog once before?

Isn't that insane?
I wonder what on Earth for.

Anyway, I thought, well might as well write another entry then. Don't want to disappoint my many fans (and by fans I mean that lonely skinny fellow rubbing himself in front of his computer, in Chile, or Norway, or somewhere else I have never been --which is everywhere).

What shall I blog about?
Well, how about my gradual insanity. Going through mild motions of grief these days --luckily it seems to hit me when I wake up, and just before I fall asleep. The hours inbetween, once I lug myself out of bed, not so bad. (I just go ahead and eat my feelings like all fat people.)

I'm sorry, that was mean. Fat jokes aren't funny. Some people can't help but be fat --from medication, illness, etc. In fact a wise person once told me that, "heavy people face a lot more discrimination than someone who can just, you know, take off the burqua and dress like it's 2011." --Somebody 'really educated' ...no really...they said so, on the interwebs. It has to be true, right?? RIGHT??!!

True story. Inspiring fellow. Home-schooled that one (explains alot doesn't it? bahaaaa)

I kid! I kid. I actually think many home-school kiddies come out relatively normal, I've met some.
But not this one.

Met or came out normal that is.

Alright, I'll stop. But you have to admit, being mean is fun. Who knows maybe she is right --I'll probably realize how evil I am to make fat jokes when I'm fat.
Wait no, I'll probably still make them. It'll be even funnier.

Okay, I'm stopping.

So yes, grieving. Well I realize I don't grieve very normally. I tend to make a large effort to be happy and silly all the time. --It's very forced really, and very annoying. Can't help it. All very patho --

HOLY CRAP

See, right before I finished the word 'pathological' above my computer decided to shut down all on its own. Thank GOD I keep like a million applications open. I noticed Word closing, then Paint, then Wordpad, then Notepad, then Itunes, then MediaMonkey and in my head I was all:

An angry blonde monkey you say?
Close, but I was heading for more 'ARGH! ARGH! ARGH!'
...wait, same thing. Bad Joke.

Oh, yes, my nonchalance.

Yes, I don't grieve well. I tend to get very lethargic and giddy. I annoy people on facebook and at the same time, refuse to go out anywhere with anyone, all the while wanting to get out of the house.

Oh, and it doesn't help that to avoid feeling like crap, I stay up until I'm so tired my asthma kicks in and I'm about to collapse inwards on my own chest. It also drives me nuts.

So does Craig Ferguson, in a sexual way.

Grrr.

On that, I leave. the end.

Oh and be nice to fat people.



...to their FACES.


...sorry.

Youth, Age and Cynicism (aka GRUMPY)

No, that isn't me.

I was talking to a friend about why guys can be attracted to younger girls --and I mean teenagers (legal ones). It made me think about how much a person changes over the course of just a few years.

Just then I went roaming around on a forum that I've been frequenting since I was in high school --and I went through all my old threads. My god! I was such a.....happy...person?

Not that I'm a total buzz kill now, but I get healthy doses of cynicism and rage --and I usually vent here.

That said, I was so much more cheerful back then --and ...kinda annoying, but in a pleasant way I guess. I suppose if I was to choose who to hang out with --'grumpy me' or 'young (somewhat stupid) happy me' --I'd probably choose the latter. It really made me think about what kind of person I'm turning into.

I wonder if this is what people mean when they 'lose their youth'. I guess I still look relatively young (except I passed for 12 back then --and 18 now lol), but DAMMIT I feel old. Is that a good thing? Or is it a sign that a person isn't so much growing up --as they are growing irritating? I feel like I'm well on my way to becoming that old man from UP --pre chubby Asian boy.


Still, I also find myself wondering if people don't take me seriously enough sometimes. I kind of waver between two extremes ALL THE TIME. I'm either crazily happy and seemingly mindless at one point, then insanely critical and old-fashioned the next. And when I'm faced with teenagers, I tend to get awfully irritated, even though looking back --I wasn't all that different.

Granted the last 2 years were pretty tough personal-issue wise, but it shouldn't have turned me into such a grouch right?

When did I turn into such a killjoy?

And is it normal? ...Rather, is it right?

Surely this is the fast track towards wrinkling.

It's okay

I realized (or rather, someone helped me realize --or...told me lol)--maybe it's okay if I'm not all right alone. Maybe it's okay to not be alone. Maybe this is Granddad's last gift to me --the realization that it's okay to not be alone, that I'm not alone --maybe it's his way of telling me I don't have to pretend to be so strong anymore. I don't have to always deal with things on my own right? I used to think that it was weak of me to complain to other people or ask for help --I mean, ultimately you still have to fix everything alone anyway right? Why bother other people with it? A strong person is okay with being alone --and even if people want to help, you shouldn't bother them --they have their own things to deal with.

But now, I kinda understand that it's okay to do that sometimes. Sometimes its all right to ask for help. And maybe depending on people isn't as scary as I thought it would be.

At first, when I started typing this entry I wondered if I should commemorate my Grandfather's life by putting a photo of us at the top of the post. Then I realized I wasn't really in the state of mind to go through the photo album, pick one and scan it. THEN ...I realized I didn't want to see the photos of him yet. I don't need to, even. I know what he looks like --his face is burned into my memory. YOU guys don't need to know what he looks like so why bother? Doesn't it actually cheapen my memory of him? Why should I share him with people who don't know him anyway? He's my Grandfather. <___<

So, instead this is the sky that I love. The sky that makes me feel better everytime I'm sad --because it's always there and I can always count on it. And right now, it has just occurred to me that it is the same sky that was up there when my Grandfather was born. It's the same sky that was up there when I was born. It's there now, in my Grandfather's passing, and will be there when it's my time too. Even if there is no heaven, or no reincarnation --one certainty is that there is only one sky, one ground, only one Earth --and ultimately, we're all buried together anyway. Okay --that sounds cryptic --but it's comforting to me. It's tangible, and it's certain. One day we'll all be together again anyway --maybe not in the romanticised way we usually like to think --but at least together in some way --for sure. That's comforting to me --because it's reliable.

Dedicated to good friends, good advice, and throwing up silently.

And of course, dedicated to those I love and know, and those I love and have known.
I love you 公公.

Thank you for teaching me to gulp water with sound (coz it's more fun). Thank you for letting me pretend your legs were slides. Thankyou for putting up with my neverending (and repetitive) questions. Thankyou for showing me all your old trophies and coins. (Sorry for taking one without telling you haha.) Thankyou for telling me that I was pretty when everyone else said I was fat lol. Thankyou for pointing out I put on weight lol. Thankyou for always smiling at me even when you couldn't really remember me. Thankyou for remembering me. Thankyou for smiling even when you didn't. Thankyou for loving me. Sorry for all the times I was naughty as a kid. Sorry I didn't call you more. Sorry I didn't see you more. Sorry I didn't graduate in time. But thank you for everything and so much more. I love you and I miss you. I promise I'll try to be good and make you proud.

Early in the morning, April the 21st, 2011, my maternal Grandfather passed away. However, I didn't find out until around 2:30am on the 22nd April, 2011.

In the morning, I reluctantly woke up, had a little breakfast and drove out to uni. I attended a class, skipped one, bought a bright red University hoodie, had brunch and then went to another class. I went to lunch with a friend, and then I went to another class. Then I went to a Club meeting (that I wasn't a part of). Then I considered going out to eat with friends, but I felt sick --so I struggled back home, and tried to sleep. My mother called, I heard my brother pick up --but I wanted to try and sleep...so I ignored it.

After a while, I realized I couldn't sleep, so I went on facebook. and said some jokes here and there, complained about my nausea etc. I watched an episode of Modern Family and laughed loudly throughout it.

Eventually I got a strange message on facebook from an old family friend, which made me worry about my grandmother --so I called my mother at around 2:30am. And she told me.

I cried for my grandfather, and then I cried for my parents. I am so scared...all the time. Everytime my Dad coughs, I think of that anti-smoking ad --"A smoker's cough can turn into a lung cancer cough at any time", and I am terrified. Everytime they drive out to Sydney, or from Sydney to home, I am terrified. What if they get tired? What if a crazy driver plows into them? What about drunks? What about half asleep truck drivers? A freak accident?

Who will look after me? Who can I turn to now? What do I do? What will I do without them? And a little voice screams, "Don't leave me alone. I don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me alone."

And I was so scared again. I had thought I grew out of that fear when my Paternal Grandmother died --and this year I finally dealt with it --and I thought I was okay. But I'm not. I'm still scared. I'm always scared. I keep wondering if there will be someone who can look after me. Someone I can run to when my parents are gone. But I can't see them. And I know I'm being irrational, so I call my friends so they can help me see the rational side of things. --And they are all busy. What are the odds? lol They try, but they are all busy and I don't want to bother them --because really, I know I will be okay -- or rather, what can I be, besides okay?

But I'm not okay. So I call Lifeline...and they put me on hold --which is understandable. While I listen to the melancholy piano songs they play (which I wonder if its really all that practical to have relatively depressing songs on an depression line --but then again, happy songs would be patronizing...)...I start to realize a few things.

I imagine them telling me, "he's in a better place."
I imagine myself saying, "I can't believe that. I don't know that. You don't know that."
They say, "What do you believe?"
I reply, "I don't know."
They say, "you know you can't change things even if you're afraid of them. You can't stop it from happening just but clinging onto them."
I reply, "I know."
They say, "there are far more people in worse situations right now --and they're okay right?"
I reply, "I know."
They say, "think of the people who suddenly lost their loved ones in Japan during the Tsunami. Think of the people who saw their loved ones be washed away right in front of them. Think of the people who died in Queensland --and the ones they left behind. Think how lucky you are that at least, at the very least, your Grandfather died after a relatively long life. Think how lucky you are that at least your parents are still alive right now."
And I reply, "I know. I guess."

Then I start to hear myself thinking. Why today? Why right now? Why when the people who are usually free --are not? Why?

Because this way I can learn that I'm okay even when I'm alone. I don't need someone to cry to --I wouldn't mind it lol, but I don't need it. I'm okay on my own. When I'm 80 --I will have loved so many and lost so many that I will have learned to let go of everything. For now, I just need to start trying to let go.

The Buddha said, there are four definite things in life; birth, ageing, sickness and death. He teaches people to let these things go. You can't change it just by clinging to it --it'll still happen --so let it go.

I don't know if there is reincarnation, or heaven --and I won't bet anything on there being either because I could lose far too much if I did. I have to remember my own motto; Sometimes it's not about whether or not it's 'meant to be' ---sometimes it just is.